so, for some reason i’m feeling compelled to divulge heavily personal stuff about myself today. don’t know why. started thinking about it for some reason today and thought, “hey, why don’t i blog about it?” goody, goody, huh?
now, if you are at all uninterested in the sordid details of my past, please feel free to move on to something else. i won’t be offended. i’ll wait till you move on. *humming and tapping fingers*
are we all settled then? good.
so anyway, for the most part i think i grew up pretty sheltered. not a whole lot bad happened to me growing up. i think i may have narrowly missed being molested by my piano/reading/science teacher when i was 12. during my piano lessons, he would sit awfully close, so close i could smell the cologne he bathed in. and it always felt like he was looking down my shirt at my non-existent boobs. hey, i was 12. but nothing happened because my dad, being the over-protective father that he was/is, was always in the room reading a magazine or the paper during my lesson. thank you, daddy!
the rest of my teen years passed by without incident, though there was interest shown by older men a couple of times. once when i was at the library (again, when i was 12) when i guy asked what high school i went to. imagine the embarrassment that followed when i told him i wasn’t in high school yet. hee hee. then there was the time when i was 15 or 16 and a friend and i went to sears with my parents. earlier i think we had been at my house swimming, i can’t remember, but we were goofing around near the typewriters/word processors (can you see how long ago this was?) and the sales guy started talking to us. he kept asking personal questions of me, and my boneheaded friend kept answering them. i kept looking at her like, “shut up, will you!” i’m surprised she didn’t give him my name, phone number and address. he must have been 25 at least. or maybe he told us he was. i can’t remember now. all i can remember was that he was showing more interest in us, specifically me, than i thought was normal for a 25 year old. i don’t think most normal 20 something guys find 15-16 year olds all that fascinating unless there is something wrong with them. if you’re a guy and still reading this, let me know if that’s true.
anywhoo, i escaped another possible disaster there in sears because of my instincts this time. i got through my teens without another incident. then i hit my 20’s.
now, this will seem stupid, and probably tmi, but it’s my blog and i can write what i want. 
i didn’t lose my virginity until i was 21. kind of sad how it happened too. not at all the romantic moment that a girl dreams about for her first time. lost it in the front seat of a guy’s brother’s car at a park near a somewhat busy road in between classes at the university. classy! i feel so proud. 
i think that was probably the last time i saw they guy that i thought i was dating except for a couple months later when he showed up at my house at 2am and crawled through my bedroom window. of course, he was drunk. i think he might have actually walked from the bar to my house, i’m not sure. yes, it was less than spectacular.
so, after that fiasco, i felt pretty cheap and started slutting myself up a bit. a few months later i meet my next boyfriend. this is where i seem to make up for going through the beginnings of my life unscathed. boyfriend of note # 3 (yes, i’ve skipped over my high school boyfriend, too boring) turns out to be completely psychotic. do i realize this at the beginning? of course not! what fun would that be? i mean, he started off ok. the first 2 weeks of our relationship were fabulous! he couldn’t have been more loving or giving or wonderful. see what’s coming? wish i had.
after 2 weeks of bliss, he decides to tell me that he’s suicidal and he doesn’t really believe in love. he tells me this after 2 weeks of professing his love for me and wanting me to move in with him. i’m 22 years old. and oh so obviously stupid! now, i hear a little voice in my head telling me to run, run as fast as you can away from this guy after his little revelation. ha ha ha but no, i don’t listen. i must save him! he needs me. god, how pathetic when i look back on it all.
as you can probably guess, the professions of love stop pretty abruptly. also, no one can know that we’re seeing each other. and i have to whisper when i’m at his apartment because the neighbors might be using listening devices to spy on him. and why don’t i appreciate all he does for me when he lets me stay at his apartment, buy him things, and transcribe his tapes from lectures we have at school? don’t i realize that he cares for me because he lets me buy groceries for him? and he drives me to school? what’s wrong with me? and don’t i think that i ought to stop eating because i might get fat. and obviously i have a problem and should see a doctor because i don’t enjoy having sex at the drop of a hat 2-3 times a day every day without any foreplay. isn’t it my duty as his girlfriend. so i’m not in the mood, i better get down and spread ’em. but i better not call it rape because it’s not. i just need to see a doctor because i have a problem. and why didn’t i remind him that he forgot his keys, but don’t remind him tomorrow because i’m such a nag when i’m constantly asking him if he remembered to do somthing. and boy do i sleep too much! 1 or 2 hours a night is all i should be getting otherwise i’m just being lazy! now i better make sure i wake him up in 8 hours. why am i trying to wake him up? why don’t i just leave him alone? damn it, why didn’t i wake him up? hey, i better help him get his masters degree because he only has a year to get it done in. here, let me read this book for you and write a paper on it. let me do your lesson plans. let me make up tests and quizzes for your student teaching. let me stay up all night after making stupid sylubi for your student teaching so i can then clean your apartment and make your lunch for the next day, make sure you have something to wear and also make sure you get your ass out of bed! please, please, please let me do your whole portfolio for your student teaching, grade papers, write papers, read books for your class, read books you’re going to assign to the kids you are student teach, and take care of everything else for you so you can sleep. and while we’re at it, please oh please do me whenever you feel like it even if i end up with a bladder infection, a yeast infection, and i’m so sore that i cry the entire time and can hardly walk afterwards. and god forbid i should think it’s rape because it’s my problem that i don’t enjoy sex and i should really go see a doctor about it!
gosh, who knew i was still so bitter about it? sorry to be such a downer. hope i haven’t lost any friends over this, but i understand if ya’ll delete me now from your friends list. lol
obviously, at least i hope it’s obvious, my life has improved drastically since those days. i have a wonderful husband now who loves me very much and is very sensitive to my issues that i have from the past. but from meeting other women here on 360, i’ve learned just how common abuse is towards women. it makes me sad. i used to feel very alone about the whole thing. but now i realize i’m not. and maybe by writing this, there will be someone else out there who will realize they aren’t alone. and hopefully they will get help. i was lucky. he moved to arizona to be a teacher on a reservation and we just never saw each other again. lucky, lucky, lucky me.
so, that’s it. i won’t bore you with any more. at least not for now. and you can always go somewhere else if this isn’t to your taste. whatever.
***this is where i’d like to add the comments from my old blog because they meant a lot to me.***
As a single man, I have an eye for attractive women. Often times I will notice them from behind, and when I see their face I realize they are far too young for me. This will preclude me from approaching them, but if they look to be 18+ I will still stealthily appreciate their beauty. I do not think this is uncommon for men.
The guys and I like to point women out to each other at work, for example, and generally hottness precludes standard age restrictions. I wonder if sometimes, when word has spread to six or seven of us, if the woman notices she is getting greater than usual customer service. I figure pretty women are used to this.
The drunken window return was what got me most about the unfortunate story of the loss of your virginity. Boy, talk about no class, he couldn’t even leave you be. My first time was equally disappointing (also, ironicaly, with the disappearance and months-later one-last-time) so when I was with a girl for her first time, years later, I made a point of making it as special as I could. She got the best of me, however, and got me into bed before my plan could come to completion. Boy, she was a great girl, but would not make a commitment.
Your hilighted boyfriend here sounds like a real mental case. I’m glad you’ve put that sort of behavior behind you. Your description of his actions, responses, arguments, etc. was hilarious and dark and just great overall. You painted a fantastic picture of the relationship as a whole.
This once again emphasies the “nice guy vs. total ass” scenario mentioned earlier. Most women want to be my friends, and they date jerk losers like this guy. Maybe I need to feel vocally sorrier for myself and start taking advantage of others. Ha!
I’m glad you refered me to this text, as it was well worth coming back to read. I’m surprised you would want us to see that! Good for you on being so brave. And as you’re usually the first place I look (which is why I didn’t get the psychic thing) you always know you have one reader who isn’t bored.
Look at that. I made a point, and still 1600 characters to go.
Kerry knew bad men
They taught her well what to find
Inside her true love
Friday July 7, 2006 – 12:27pm (PDT)
back in the old days
blog for fun, to make new friends
now it seems a chore
Wednesday April 4, 2007 – 09:16am (PDT)
You are amazing, Kerry… there is no other way to describe it… you are a very strong woman! The way this entry is written creates that sense of ‘being there’… ((hugs)) to you! I feel so very lucky to know you!
‘from meeting other women here on 360, i’ve learned just how common abuse is towards women. it makes me sad. i used to feel very alone about the whole thing. but now i realize i’m not. ‘
That statement is one that I can certainly relate to… one I wish I couldn’t, but do… your story will help many, Kerry… even if you never realize it… someone somewhere may find it the final step they need to finally break free… ((hugs))
Thursday April 5, 2007 – 11:17pm (EDT)
Offline 
here's my gripe... 